A Struggle Against Fate: The Moment of Decision and Struggle


Table of Contents


  1. Introduction
  2. The Moment of Doubt
    • The Decision to Leave
    • The Realization of Death
  3. The Emotional Struggle
    • Seeking Comfort from a Loved One
    • The Attempt to Escape
  4. The Door Closes
    • Confronting Reality and Physical Barriers
  5. An Unexpected Twist
    • The Call for Help
    • The Lift Ride
  6. A Desperate Attempt
    • The Car and the Cycle
  7. Conclusion



1. Introduction


This is a narrative of a deeply emotional and mentally challenging experience, marked by a battle between the mind's desire to leave and the body’s refusal to accept reality. It takes place within a seemingly ordinary scenario but becomes a life-defining moment, where personal reflections, struggles, and decisions occur in an increasingly surreal setting.


2. The Moment of Doubt


The Decision to Leave


The dream begins with an internal conflict, a realization that an inevitable change is coming. I stand up, announcing to my cousin that I need to leave. In response, he tries to convince me that there's no point to leaving, and reluctantly, I agree and sit back down at the table. I speak in a fragmented manner, saying things like “and yes and no, and wait and not,” suggesting the confusion and indecisiveness clouding my thoughts.


The Realization of Death


As I sit, I grapple with the decision to stay or leave, but it becomes clear that the option to stay is not viable. In a moment of stark clarity, my mind tells me that I am going to die that day. It's not the first time I've had this thought; it has appeared before, and perhaps it would appear again in the future, but in this moment, it’s a certainty. With the knowledge that death is inevitable, I say once more, “I’ve got to leave,” and stand up again.


3. The Emotional Struggle


Seeking Comfort from a Loved One


My mind reminds me that the journey will be difficult—that the end will be awful. The worst part is that I know this struggle will happen with my cousin, someone I love like a brother. He is a cornerstone of my life, yet I understand that the ordeal will require us to confront one another, possibly with hurt and pain.


The Attempt to Escape


In my attempt to leave, I begin looking for my sandals and keys, but they are nowhere to be found. My cousin, seeing my distress, tries to communicate something, perhaps an attempt to persuade me to stay, to make me understand that leaving isn’t the right choice. I don't heed his words. I ignore him and head toward the door, determined to leave. I call the lift.


4. The Door Closes


Confronting Reality and Physical Barriers


Just as I prepare to depart, my cousin arrives and tries to stop me, bringing me back into the flat. But I don't want to listen. I leave again. This time, as he tries to stop me from leaving, I take a decisive action: I close the door to his flat behind me. In that moment, we are both locked out. He will later have to call a locksmith to resolve this. It is a surreal but firm decision—a literal closing of doors.


5. An Unexpected Twist


The Call for Help


In response to the impasse, my cousin decides to knock on the neighbor’s door for assistance. While he waits for the neighbor, I take the opportunity to call the lift again. This time, I get on the lift and press the button for the ground floor. But my cousin isn’t giving up easily. He spots me, blocks the lift door, and explains the situation to the neighbor.


The Lift Ride


Both my cousin and the neighbor accompany me as I descend to the ground floor. Despite their efforts to intervene, I am resolute in my decision. We walk downstairs together, and my cousin continues to try to intervene, but I have already made my choice.


6. A Desperate Attempt


The Car and the Cycle


When we finally reach my mom's car, I’m aware that I don’t have the keys. It’s another piece of the puzzle—a reminder that I’m out of control. I tell my cousin with certainty, "I know I’m going to die today, and it’s going to be awful." But amidst that certainty, I also realize that I need to do something different this time. This is the moment I must break the cycle, do something out of the ordinary, something that defies the rational world.


In an almost magical attempt, I try to “jump” through the car door, as though I could pass through it somehow. It’s a futile effort. I end up crashing into the car, hitting my face and body. The physical impact is a painful reminder of my own limitations, but it also symbolizes my frustration and my struggle against the inevitability of death.


7. Conclusion


This experience, though disorienting and painful, encapsulates a profound emotional and mental journey. The pull between wanting to stay and the knowledge of an inevitable end creates a tension that builds throughout. Despite the physical, emotional, and psychological struggles, the cycle is left unbroken, for now. In the end, there are no clear answers—only an unresolved conflict between the heart’s desire and the mind’s painful realization.