A Psychedelic Journey: Rebirth, Gods, and the Limits of Reality
Table of Contents
- Introduction
- The Onset of the Experience
- Becoming Gods: The Loop of Creation
3.1 The Infinite Cycle of Universes
3.2 The Divine Comedy: Love and Competition - The Decision to End the Cycle
4.1 The Hallucination Deepens
4.2 The Sensation of Dying - The Threshold: Pain and Singularity
- Awakening: Returning to Reality
- Aftermath: Reflection and Healing
- Conclusion
1. Introduction
Psychedelic experiences can be profound, unexpected, and sometimes overwhelming. This account is about a surreal journey through time, space, and existence itself, induced by a psychedelic trip that took me far beyond ordinary consciousness. Though I identify as an atheist—perhaps leaning more towards agnosticism nowadays—this experience placed me in a world where I and my boyfriend became gods, and we played with the universe like an endless joke. It was both enlightening and terrifying.
2. The Onset of the Experience
I lost track of time relatively early into the trip, maybe around 2 to 4 hours in. My perception was so distorted that I couldn't even read the time on my wristwatch, so everything became hazy. My sense of reality began slipping as I sank deeper into the hallucination. It felt as though I was no longer tethered to the world I knew.
3. Becoming Gods: The Loop of Creation
At some point, the trip took a dramatic turn. I perceived myself and my boyfriend as two Indian gods—an odd vision, considering my largely atheist or agnostic stance. Yet, in this alternate reality, we were creators of the universe. Over and over again, we brought the universe into existence, only to experience it, live through it, and watch it end, only to start again.
3.1 The Infinite Cycle of Universes
Each universe we created would become progressively more chaotic. We would cast ourselves into each new reality, experiencing the highs and lows until its inevitable collapse. This endless loop felt like some kind of cosmic joke—a game we played on ourselves. Yet with each iteration, the universes became more twisted, their levels of "fucked-upness" increasing until I started to question the purpose of continuing this cycle.
3.2 The Divine Comedy: Love and Competition
At some point in the loop, it became clear that one of us would need to stop the cycle. It was a strange competition between my boyfriend and me, each of us perpetuating the cycle while the other reluctantly followed. Love, it seemed, was the force that bound us to this pattern. Eventually, though, it was clear that the joke had gone too far. Things had become so dire in these imagined worlds that I felt one of us had to give up in order to break free. That responsibility fell on me.
4. The Decision to End the Cycle
It became apparent that for the cycle to stop, I had to make the ultimate sacrifice. My sense of reality had unraveled so thoroughly that I genuinely believed I needed to die to end the loop. At this point, I was no longer aware of the fact that I was tripping on drugs—everything seemed entirely real to me.
4.1 The Hallucination Deepens
I curled up at the edge of the bed and told my boyfriend that I was tired, that I couldn’t keep going anymore. It seemed like a final admission, like surrendering to something much larger than myself. Ironically, my boyfriend thought I meant that I was tired of the trip itself—he had no idea of the depths of my hallucination.
4.2 The Sensation of Dying
As I lay there, the hallucination grew darker. I felt myself slipping away from consciousness, slowly dying in his arms. There was a sharp, terrible pain in my lower abdomen, and it consumed my entire awareness until it became the only thing I could feel. The pain became so intense that eventually it was no longer pain at all, just a sensation growing larger and larger until it filled everything.
5. The Threshold: Pain and Singularity
Then, there was something else. It wasn’t pain, and it wasn’t a feeling of relief—it was just... something. I can only describe it as an all-encompassing experience that transcended any ordinary sensation. It was neither good nor bad; it simply was. I saw a pulsating white thing that I hesitate to call "light"—it felt more like the essence of everything. Later, I thought of this as a "singularity," like the state of the universe before the Big Bang.
6. Awakening: Returning to Reality
I don’t know how long this state lasted. It could have been mere minutes, but in my dissociated mind, it felt like eternity. Eventually, I woke up. My mind was shaken and disoriented. I hadn’t expected anything like that to happen, and it took me a while to remember where I was—that I was on drugs, lying in bed, and back in my own single point of view. I felt an overwhelming sense of confusion as I processed what had just happened.
7. Aftermath: Reflection and Healing
In the days following this intense trip, I was left feeling mentally unsettled. The experience had deeply affected me, making me question the nature of reality and my own existence. But about a week later, I smoked changa, another psychedelic, which surprisingly helped me process the mind-bending experience and "fix" the lingering sense of confusion. Psychedelics, for better or worse, have a way of pulling you to the farthest reaches of the mind—and sometimes, they bring you back with clarity.
8. Conclusion
This journey through creation, destruction, and the dissolution of the self was not something I had anticipated. It pushed me beyond the boundaries of what I thought possible, forcing me to confront the illusion of control and the overwhelming power of love and repetition. While the experience was disorienting and, at times, terrifying, it also opened up new perspectives on the nature of existence itself.
