A Descent into Despair: A Journey Through the Depths of a Suicide Attempt

Table of Contents:

• Introduction
• The Beginning of the Despair
  • Loss of Hope and Desperate Thoughts
  • The Moment of Decision
• The Attempt to Escape
  • Running Toward the Exit
  • The Struggle with Loved Ones
• A Momentary Respite
  • The Feeling of Deja Vu
  • The Collapse and False Death
• Waiting for Death to Arrive
  • Imagining the End
  • The Arrival of Help
• The Transition to Reality
  • The Struggle in the Ambulance
  • Waking Up in the Hospital
• Reflection and the Uncertainty of Time

Introduction

This account is the story of an intense personal experience during a time when hope seemed lost, and thoughts of death consumed the mind. What follows is a detailed recounting of the emotions, thoughts, and actions that led to a near-suicidal crisis and eventual rescue. The events described span a surreal experience between life and death, filled with confusion, despair, and a sense of being caught in an unchanging cycle.

The Beginning of the Despair

Loss of Hope and Desperate Thoughts

At the start of this journey, I found myself sitting on the floor of a parking lot, next to a car, in a semi-lotus position, contemplating my death. There was an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, a sense that life had lost all meaning. I couldn't fathom another day, and the idea of death seemed like the only escape from the emotional pain. I turned to my cousin, speaking to him with an eerie calmness, expressing my contentment that I would die next to him.

The Moment of Decision

As I sat there, waiting for the inevitable end, something strange crossed my mind: perhaps there was a way for me to walk to my death, to magically pass through the parking lot’s exit gate. This fleeting thought seemed like my only option at that moment. It was as if my fate had already been sealed, and there was no way out except through my own demise.

The Attempt to Escape

Running Toward the Exit

In a sudden burst of energy, I stood up and ran toward the exit gate, convinced that this was the path I had to follow. As I reached the gate, a sense of urgency gripped me. My cousin and a neighbor quickly intervened, chasing after me, stopping me from leaving. Despite their efforts to calm me down, I couldn't shake the intense desire to end my suffering.

The Struggle with Loved Ones

In my distress, I lashed out. The people around me, those trying to help, were now obstacles. I remember punching my cousin and the neighbor in a moment of frustration and fear. They continued to speak to me, trying to calm me, but their words seemed to fall on deaf ears as I was trapped in my own spiraling thoughts.

A Momentary Respite

The Feeling of Deja Vu

Sitting back down in the semi-lotus position, I felt a strange sense of calm wash over me again. The world around me seemed to align in a way that made me feel like everything was happening according to some predestined plan. A constant sense of déjà vu hung over me, as if I had already lived through this moment. I felt that my actions were not my own, but rather part of a show that had already played out.

The Collapse and False Death

I then grabbed my cousin’s hand, as if to say goodbye. I collapsed to the ground, convinced I had just died. The world faded to black. But of course, I had not died. The feeling of having passed away was merely a delusion in my mind, an illusion created by the desperate desire to escape.

Waiting for Death to Arrive

Imagining the End

As I lay there, still convinced that death was imminent, I began to imagine how it might happen. I pictured a car coming out of the parking lot, crashing into my head, ending my life. I envisioned the headlines: "Yet another idiot dies on LSD." The thought of my death seemed inevitable, and I wished I could change the course of events. But in that moment, I believed that fate had already written my story.

The Arrival of Help

To my surprise, the car I had imagined never appeared. Instead, the sound of sirens and the arrival of the ambulance brought a new reality. My family showed up at the same time, their faces full of concern and confusion. I was placed on a stretcher and transported to the ambulance, still holding onto the belief that I was destined to die. My mom was with me, and in a state of emotional turmoil, I started to remove the catheters the paramedics had inserted into my veins.

The Transition to Reality

The Struggle in the Ambulance

As the ambulance moved toward the hospital, I continued to speak to my mom, telling her that death was inevitable and that it would be difficult. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to process what was happening. I felt as though I was teetering on the edge of life and death, but also that I was being forced into something I didn't want. I remember tearing up the blue plastic bed sheet in frustration, desperate to escape this overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

Waking Up in the Hospital

Eventually, I was sedated. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. The memories of the morning felt distant and unreal, as though they belonged to someone else, like the remnants of a strange nightmare. I couldn't believe that what I had experienced was real. I kept questioning myself, wondering if it had all been a dream. But as I looked around and saw my family gathered by my side, it became clear that this was no dream. This was reality, and I had survived.

Reflection and the Uncertainty of Time

The events that transpired are difficult to place within a linear timeline. Some moments I remember vividly, while others are hazy and uncertain. The blur between what was real and what was imagined, especially in the fog of my mental state, left me confused. But one thing remained clear: my family had been there for me, even when I had pushed them away. Their presence was a lifeline that pulled me back from the edge. The experience marked a turning point, not only in my journey but in my understanding of the importance of human connection and the fragility of life.